Default Settings

It is so easy to get caught up with the rushing river of time and go with the flow, when this happens it gets harder for us to see God in the little things. This is what has happened to me in the past few weeks, there is a lot I have to get done and my work just keeps piling up. People around me can testify to the fact that the time I spend talking and catching up with them has reduced. But even with all these God revealed himself to me in areas I never expected: like in my friend Maddy, who gave me a frame of the map of Nigeria so I would not miss home too much, or Marty who continues to be ridiculous and funny on days I’m feeling low, or even Grace who is steady and reminds me to continue to grow in Christ. I love them all so much!

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Marty!!!!

When I was applying for college and mummy (Patrice) expressed her wish for me to go to a Christian school, I wasn’t too thrilled about the idea of having to go to a Christian college. The reason for this is because I grew up in a very conservative environment with a lot of man-made doctrines I thought was ridiculous, and so I struggled a lot with thoughts of if I wanted to have anything to do with the kind of God these doctrines portrayed. Obviously I had assumed that going to a Christian college will only frustrate me and probably cripple my new found love for Christ, naturally I struggled with accepting God’s plan when he kept opening the doors to LBC. God knows our hearts, he knows the deepest parts of it we refuse to acknowledge because we are too embarrassed to admit it to ourselves. God knew my thoughts and thankfully didn’t just let me end up at any Christian school, but specifically just at LBC and I am grateful.

This past week I realized something life staggering, and it is that I honestly don’t know who I am. Before anyone starts getting concerned about that statement, don’t. What I mean is not my identity, my identity is in Christ but what I am talking about is my personality. What I thought my personality was is apparently all a facade! Let me explain that. So what I mean is that who I presumed I am is just a reflection of who I wanted people to see. Before you get confused I’ll break it down, so while growing up I was a little emotionally unstable and apparently I have unconsciously built walls around who I am to protect myself from getting hurt or being vulnerable. I never realized just how much my childhood affected me, and how most times my reactions to situations around me is just a default setting my mind has unconsciously set up.

Something I have heard a lot from my friends presently is- ‘Titi, learn to ask for help’. Now, it is definitely not my wish to bulldoze everything on my own, and I didn’t realize that I don’t ask for help when I clearly need help, but the default setting in my mind is that- ‘to ask for help is to be a burden to people’. I didn’t realize this for the problem it could be and I had just assumed that is who I am. This is just one of the examples of my many realizations.

 

God has opened my eyes to this, its like reaching out of the rushing river of time and hanging onto a branch just to see where I am presently. Everything I thought I knew is being broken down to pieces, every foundation being remodeled. When I had just accepted Christ I used to pray all the time that God should help me know Him more, I had no idea the depth of my prayer. To be honest it hurts a lot and it is very unsettling, but I pray that God will continue to keep me small just so I can always see how big He is.

Thank you all soo much for your continued prayers, support and love. I am super happy that I am currently attending LBC, because finally I am getting to know and to understand this powerful and mighty God.

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5 thoughts on “Default Settings

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  1. Titi you are going through what everyone goes through as we grow in Christ and growing as a person. Your ability to hear the Holy Spirits guidance as you figure out your personality will give you a leg up. Speaking as a person who had the same view as you and still struggle to ask for help (but after years of growth with Christ’s help), I see the love of Christ when my friends and family help me. I realized that when I don’t ask for help I may be preventing God from being able to work in me and others. I love reading of your experiences and walk in Christ. You are in my prayers!!

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